The fear of rejection, something I’d never experienced before and here I document it in relation to a novel I started around 2013 and completed around 2015. This isn’t a sales pitch – there’s nothing to buy and that in itself highlights how powerful the fear of rejection is for me.
I never thought I’d be able to write a novel. Over the years I had many ideas which never quite manifested as a realised work – from never leaving the confines of my imagination to getting a token gesture of text in a file somewhere that was eventually forgotten about.
After spending nearly 14 years in the police service what better subject to write about? So I wrote a science fiction comedy, based on my experiences of the Police Service. Initially writing the novel was purely a cathartic experience, you cannot help but be moved by some of the things you see in the police, the best of human behaviour as well as the worst. Its blatantly obvious after a short period of time that the universe cares nothing for fairness with good things happening to bad people and bad things happening to good people.
Originally I was writing to get off my chest and quantify the frustrations, disappointments and incredulity I felt towards how the service operated both to its public facing side and behind the scenes.
I managed to leave the force with my limbs intact and was never sent before a discipline panel so all in all feel happy with my contribution however I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth – the ignorance and stupidity of many of the senior ranks. The backstabbing and two faced behaviour between officers looking to progress their own careers. Writing the book may have been a cathartic experience but typing the words “The End” after around 2 years of work was not the satisfying moment I thought it would be.
The books completion coincided with my leaving of the Police service and into a job of far better pay and even better hours it felt good to write it as if I was getting off my chest so many years of service, but after investing so much time I found my desire to send to a publisher somewhat diminished. What if they don’t find it funny? or entertaining? or both? For me it feels better to have an unpublished/unread novel which could have been great, rather than a novel had been read and confirmed wasn’t.
I assume part of my fear arises due to the amount of time and myself I gave to the writing of it. To be dismissed for something you half heartedly rushed together is one thing but for me it feels that the more I invest into something, the less desire I have to risk possible rejection.
The 20 year old me would have told me to stop being so ridiculous and get it considered for publication. The 46 year old me says why take the risk?
I didn’t write this in order to receive motivational comments about how/why I should try to get the work published, I’ve heard enough such comments from my immediate family. I wrote this more because I find this fear fascinating and in all the experiences I’ve had in the Police Service, the one time I’m paralysed with fear is over the written word.
If you have had similar experiences it would be great for you to share them – should you feel comfortable.
Tim Wilson 
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